Sunday, September 4, 2011

A Tea Party Movie!


Oh my sweet holy pogosticks.

The crazy bastards did it. They did. They actually did it.

They made a movie about the TEA Party.

My goodness. I'm not sure whether I should be horrified or if I should fall out of my computer chair laughing my ass off.

Sadly, it's creatively title "Tea Party: The Documentary Film." Really, I'd think they would get more mileage out of calling it "Teabagging: The Movie." They'd get more hits on Youtube for their trailer, anyway. And speaking of their trailer; holy shit is that the most melodramatic thing I've ever seen. Let's take a closer look at it, shall we?

0.12 seconds in and we've already got a problem.

They're calling this a "huge revolution that's about to happen in this country" and a "sleeping giant that has truly awoke."

See, when I think "sleeping giants awakening," I think giants like Cthulhu. You know, he's a sleep in R'yleh, dreaming his dreams of madness and sharing them with unfortunate cults who, on average, tend to be a little more dedicated than the Teabaggers.

Of course, I suppose some of my reactions to the stuff passing as "logic" in the Tea party movement can be likened to the results of reading the Necronomicon, but you don't even get the cool spells like Summoning Azathoth by listening to them like you do by reading the Necronomicon.

0.22-

"A government of the people..."

No, don't listen to what they say. Listen to what they sign. Because, somehow, the scratching of pens on parchment is so much more indicative of what's going on than them actually telling me. I can' quite figure out how that words, unless we've got some kind of syn├Žsthesia going on here.

"By the people, for the people"

That's right. Get your chin out of your chest. Because that hurts. You'll get a crink in your neck doing that, and you'll regret it for the rest of the day.

"Shall not parish from this earth..."

Well, seeing as how this fellow wouldn't know what liberty was if it bit him on the ass, about the only thing that this fellow is asking for is death. I, however, have no intention of providing it. After all, who would be left to go around in those revolutionary war uniforms and play pretend patriots for the weekend?

0.30
"Let us stand and fight for a concept we don't understand..."

There's only 5 in the movement. Well now it makes sense. Perfect sense, actually.

Dig the guys with the signs. "Let it begin here!" We're teabagging for America!

"I'll just wave this American flag right here, because in case you can't tell, we're a patriotic movie, and we're not calling ourselves patriots to compensate for anything, no sir."

Down with all kings! Down with all Potentates! (Does he honestly say "Down with all Gods? I can't quiet tell). I wasn't aware America had a king. We have a rich ruling class, yes, but a king?

Le Roi ist Mort! Vive le Roi!

0.37
It's taking control from them and putting it into our hands. We're better off when they go home for vacation, because then we can really make sure nothing gets done.

You'd think these people have never heard of voting before. That's usually what they mean when they say "of the people, by the people" - you don't like the asswipe, you throw them out. End of argument. Of course, you people are voting in even bigger asswipes, so it's hard to fix the system.

0.43
We were not loud enough in February! You'd think there wasn't a lot of us! You'd think this was an astroturfed movement or something! We can fix that! We just turn the volume up right here on this little dial and people will think there's a lot more of us than there actually are!

I'm loving this dramatic music. I'm waiting for the deep voiced announcer guy to intone: "And in this world, comes a hero" and then the hero appears and stuff explodes. That's what this movie is missing. Stuff explod... wait, no it's not.

0.47
He realized he's either going to be part of the problem or the solution. So he decided to be part of the problem. Makes sense to me.

0.53
Right now, he's alone. But if he keeps down that path, he'll still be alone. That's what happens when you get suckered by an astroturf movement.

0.58
Stop taking our money! It's only your money, the government, because you print it off and you're kind enough to share it, but stop taking our your money! It's time to call for American Values, people! American Values like... like... like...

Quick, look! A guy running down a hallway too... hell if I know. But it looks action packed. Maybe there's hope for this trailer after all.

1.04
The people are... resilient. He's hunting for another word because "stupid" just sounds mean.

Are those actual reenactors or pretend patriots? If they're play pretend, someone should tell them that children shouldn't be playing with guns.

Now who the hell is this Rick Santelli guy? He sounds like someone I should know. He looks like a smug asshole, and after seeing that tie, I'll be throwing away the tie I have that looks similar to it.

1.09
Listen guys, you've got it all wrong. This isn't Scrubs. That's two doors down and to the left.

1.16
Now that's a diehard. I'm willing to put politics above my family. I want to recruit three people for this movement, and he makes it sound like it's going to be a monumental thing. That's only three people. C'mon; it can't be that hard.

I'm willing to sacrifice time with my children to get *three* new members. No, that doesn't make your group sound desperate at all.

Of course, this is a bit of truth in advertising here. See, this, again, is the problem with astroturffed movements. they're small, they're noisy, and they're generally easily brushed off because they don't tend to attract people, being a mostly astroturffed (and therefore, made up) movement.

Of course, he'd have an even harder time of that today than he would a year ago.

1.19
As soon on FOX News and MSNBC! But mostly FOX news because MSNBC is a liberal organization!

The story of 2009 is the must see film of 2010, which will tank faster than North and never be remembered again.

I still think they would've gotten more mileage if they went with "Teabagging: The Documentary" or something like that.

1.23
You have an option to do something about it or not. About what?

Oh, never mind. Mandatory Black People. See, we're not racist at all!

Next scene: more pretend patriots. "Ready the Bill!" or maybe that says "Read the Bill." But never you mind that - look at all those pretty flags! The American flag - so many of them. Flag poles are indeed phallic symbols. Something to hang your patriotism from, maybe, to help define it? Nah. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

1.40
Woosh! Someone replaced my regular gasoline with hi-octane patriotism blend gasoline. Caused my car to backfire. My bad.

"So, let me ask you a question: Will you stand with something that I clearly don't understand, the Constitution and America, or will you stand with our democratically elected congress and president, and somehow, by standing with them, the destruction of America?"

1.43
Buy the movie that tells the story now at blahblahblah.com

And... end.

I'm disappointed, for several reasons:

1 - No deep announcer. No, "In a world where tyranny runs rampant, the only hope for the people manifests in the form of 5 holy patriots, gifted with the sacred power of TEAbagging..."

2 - I still think they could've been more creative with the title. Tea Party: The Documentary makes me think of Alice in Wonderland and a documentary on Lewis Carrol's life (that'd be an awesome title for a documentary like that, mind you). Of course, any association with the Tea Party does now, anyway.

The originals, folks.
3 - The melodrama is strong with this one, yes. I have no idea why that guy was running when the music picked up, but something, and I'm not entirely sure what, makes me think this will be a boring movie. I can't be exactly sure *what*, though...

4 - Someone actually made this. I'm sure the corporate money was every bit as strong with this one as the melodrama was, but still... the fact that someone actually sat down and made this...

Anyway, I'm making an announcement. If anyone wants to see me punish myself so I can sit down and dissect this monster, I'll be more than happy. I just need someone to supply the movie, that's all. So if you're interested, give me a holler in the comments below and I'll get into contact with you, and we'll see if we can't set something up. I've checked on Youtube and no luck - just a trailer. I'm not about to check the torrent sites; the last thing I want is to end up with the Chinese bootleg translation of this film (actually, that'd be epic, but that's beside the point).

So if anyone wants to, go ahead and let me know, and I'll see if we can't work something out.

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