Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy 2013

Happy 2013 everyone.

2012 was not a great year for me. I got my hours cut near the end of the year and I've been trying to deal with that, and then all of the health stuff that's been going on - I'm just glad I made it to the end of this year. I don't really think it was a great year for anyone. And while once again I'm spending New Years at home, by myself, I have hope that this year is going to be a little better than last year. See, this year, I have a legitimate resolution. I have several actually:

1. To begin work on my post-Baccalaureate in Chemistry. I see new teaching jobs daily, but they're all math and science. So I'm approaching a post-Bacc in either chemistry or biology; chemistry because that looks like it'll take the least amount of time.

2. To become more motivated. One of my archilles heel is that I just am not motivated. I make plans, but I never follow through with them. I have these high and lofty ideas but I never chase after them. This year it's going to stop, because this year, I want to start setting realistic goals and pursue them.

So there's my two resolutions - to start setting realistic goals so I can motivate myself to get them better and to begin work on a Post-Bacc in Chemistry. We'll see how well I follow through with them, but writing them down tends to make things a little more permanent.

So, anyway, Happy 2013 everyone.

And good riddance to 2012. 

Friday, December 28, 2012

Thoughts on Spree Shootings

A while ago, I wrote an essay about the age of the post-hero. This ties closely in with what I plan to ramble about today.

There's been a lot of finger pointing about the nature of the shooting in Newtown. And just like always, there's a rush to blame everything but the actual sources of the problem themselves: Easy access to guns and the culture that we have.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Kwanzamas

We made it (was there ever any doubt?) Surprisingly enough, the world didn't end on 21 December, just like it never ended on all the days before it. So here we are, on the Christmas Evening, looking out over the last week before we hit New Years and 2013. A lot happened that could make you think that it did, though: Newtown, the recent even with the firefighters getting shot, the fact that trying to carry on a debate with gun owners is like trying to reason with creationists, this BS about the fiscal cliff, and other things that make me wonder if we'd all just been better off if the world just ended right there on the spot. But it didn't. You can't run like that.

You can't run at all from your problems. The only way to deal with them is to own up to the and fix them. Unfortunately, Americans seem less and less inclined to do just that. So let's blame everything but the problem itself, and come up with every excuse that we can to dodge the actual question, since that might force us to actual think of solutions that we may not personally like. Let's blame video games, despite there not being a shred of evidence that it causes violent behavior. Let's blame movies, let's blame TV, but God forbid we blame easy access to firearms. Banning automatic weapons and passing regulations to limit the number of guns and the amount of ammo manufactured each year might lead to American Christians being herded into concentration camps by FEMA or something. Government, after all, is EBBBBILLL. Overlooking the fact that if you're an American and you're reading this you are the government, it doesn't change the fact that most gun owners do not make me confident in them owning weapons. Especially with their childish, black-and-white view of society where force is always the answer. "If you're being held at gunpoint, do you want to have a fire arm so you can shoot the guy or do you want to wait an hour for the police?" No, I don't want a firearm. I'll get my ass shot, and so will you, before you can even draw it. Did you read your own question? You're at gunpoint. What are, you John Wesley Hardin, fastest gun in the west? I doubt it, but hey, never let Dunning-Kruger stop you from thinking you're the best at your imaginary wild west scenarios. And why is that the only two choices - isn't that a false dichotomy? Why can't I try to talk to the person and talk them out of it? If I'm understanding and empathetic, I'll have a better chance of getting through than if I try to cap their ass when they clearly have the advantage. I addressed something similar to this in a post way back when I talked about whether or not we even need heroes anymore in society - I came to the conclusion we do not. Newtown and it's aftermath are what belief in heroes get us. What a belief in "black hatted bad guys" who can only be stopped by sheer luck and chance, since "white hatted good guys" usually get shot (see: the armed security guard at Columbine).

(And I wonder how many gun owners were gung-ho for voter disenfranchisement registration, "to prevent voter fraud" and all that BS, and don't see the irony now that they're whining about registration of their own hobby - and before you say that it could easily be flipped the other way, go look up the number of voter fraud cases. Now look up the number of people killed by guns each year. I'm sure that they're running neck and neck in numbers).

Anyway, on a totally separate and unrelated note, I've got a list of things that I want to accomplish in 2013; I figure if I write them here, maybe it'll make them more permanent. One of the things I want to become more motivated and procrastinate less, but I'll wait to put the whole list (yes, the irony burns - but that's in 2013).

Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas if you celebrated it. Otherwise, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. After New Years, winter sort of takes up space and the year kicks into high swing.

Here's to my 27th Christmas. May I live to see another 27, and beyond. And here's to your Xth Christmas, dear reader, and may you live long enough to see another X number of Christmases - or whatever holiday you celebrate.

Monday, December 3, 2012

I'll See You In 2013

634 BCE: The Romans feared that Rome would be destroyed 120 years after the city had been founded. It was founded on the myth that twelve eagles had shown Romulus a mythical number, that was supposedly the lifetime of Rome. Each eagle was believed to represent 10 years. Rome was sacked once in 394 BCE, and it wasn't sacked again until 410 CE, when the Visigoths hit the city. Depending upon how you want to define the Roman Empire, the empire either didn't fall until Constantinople (1463), when the Holy Roman Empire collapsed and become Modern Germany (1806), when the Ottomans fell (1911) or when the Bolsheviks overthrew the Russian Empire and the Tsars (1917). Even going with the sacking of Roman, each of those eagles could not have been 10 years - that'd put them better than 600 years off. And with the other dates, they don't even remotely come close.

389 BCE: Rome again, for the same reasons above. Again, wrong for the same exact reasons.

66: the world ended sometime between 66 to 70 CE, according to The Essenes, a sect of Jewish Aesthetics. Sadly, their world met a very literal end when they went to war against the Romans.

365: The world ended this year, according to Hilliary of Poitiers.

375-400: The Antichrist has already been born and the world would end before 400 CE, according to Martin of Tours.

500: Jesus returned, according to Hippolytus of Rome, Sextus Julius Africanus, and Ireneus.

796, Apr 3: Jesus came back and crowned a crowd of people, according to Spanish monk Beatus of Liebana.

799 - 806: The world ended sometime in during this period, according to Gregory of Tours.

800: In what might be the first recorded instance of a Harold Camping in action, the world ended this year, according to the revised predictions of Sextus Julius Africanus (oops. Forgot to carry that zero, huh?)

848: The world ended this year, according to Thiota.

992 - 995: The Antichrist came back, and end times, within three years of 992, when Good Friday coincided with the Annunciation, according to various Christian Groups.

1000, Jan 1: The world ended on this day, as predicted by Pope Sylvester II, and various Christian groups. Sylvester is reported as being unaware of all the previous instances that the world ended, and feigned ignorance at being told that the world had ended at least six times before he was proven correct.

1033: The world ended on the 1,000th anniversary of the First Coming of Jesus, according to various Christian groups, ending with his Third Coming since 500.

1184: The Antichrist arose to take over the world, according to various Christians.

1186: The world ended during a planetary alignment, as predicted by John of Toledo. Word has it that he read it in an Ancient Mayan Codex.

1260: The Millennium began, sometime between 1200 and this date, according to Italian mystic, Joachim of Fiore.

1284: 666 years after the Rise of Islam, the world came to an end, according to Pope Innocent III. When accused of Islamophobia, Pope Innocent III proclaimed himself to be innocent of any charges.

1290: The world ended in 1290, after the followers of Joachim of Fiore rescheduled the ending. Reports at the time indicate that the stadium was booked and they had to find another venue for a cheaper price.

1335: The world ended in 1335, after the followers of Joachim of Fiore again rescheduled the ending following the last time the world ended, in 1290.

1346-51: The world legitimately came to an end for a great many people as the Black Death swept through Europe, leaving nothing but death in its wake in one of the worst pandemics in human history. A pandemic which had not been predicted at all up to that point.

1370: The Antichrist arose in 1366 and the Millennium began in 1370, according to Jean de Roquetaillade. Those attending the show were disappointed to find that 186 years of age had not at all been kind to the Antichrist's mind, and fans commented that his 1184 performance was a great deal better.

1378: The Antichrist appeared in this year, according to Joachite Arnaldus de Villa Nova. The Antichrist returned with much complaining, since he was told by his divine agent that the 1370 performance would be his last one before retirement.

1504: The Tribulation was well under way before this, but this was the Millennium, according to Sandro Botticelli.

1524, Feb 1: The world ended with a great flood that started in London, according to numerous Astrologers.

1524, Feb 20: Just 19 days after a great flood starting in London ended the world, a planetary alignment marked the end of the world and ushered in the Millennium according to Johannes Stöffler.

1525: The Millennium began, according to Anabaptist tradition.

1528: The world ended this year, based on predictions of Johannes Stöffler, who was still following up on his success from the previous prediction.

1528, May 27: The world ended, according to Hans Hut.

1533: Christ appeared before a crowd in Strausbourg, and 144,000 people were saved while fire consumed the rest of the world, bringing it to an end as predicted by Melichor Hoffman.

1533, Oct 19: Meanwhile, Judgement Day began at 8:00am on this day, as calculated by mathematician Michael Stifel.

1534, Apr 5: The apocalypse took place on this day, and only the city of Munster was spared from the disaster, according to Jan Matthys.

1555: The world came to an end after 7,000 years of human history had passed, as was recorded by Pierre d'Ally, a French Theologian. He wrote this down in 1400, and said that 6,845 years of human history had passed, but apparently did not consult with Ken Ham first, since that would make humanity not quite 7,456 years old, but not the 10,000 that AGI insists it is (Of course, because they believe in exact science, they'll tell you it's 6,000 - 10,000 years old and hope you don't notice the 4,000 year gap. And if you round that number to the nearest thousandths, you get 6,000 years, so they're right on the money).

1586: the Reign of the Devil, which began in 325 at the Council of Nicea, finally came to an end this year after 1260 years, marking the end of the world. This was as recorded by Spanish Christian reformer Michael Servetus.

1588: The world ended this year, vindicating the prediction of Regiomontanus.

1600: The world ended before this date, which was the upper date set by Reform Theologian Martian Luther. He would later go on to create the religious movement that would give the world Fred Phelps, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and American Christianity, making the world wish he was right.

1624, Feb 1: A great deluge hit the Earth during this time, ending the world, as predicted by Astrologers. Reports indicate that the astrologers were feeling a little left out, especially since people seemed to forget about how they had successfully predicted the end of the world in 1524 and they felt the Theologians were being glory hogs.

1648: The Jewish Messiah, concerned with how many times the world had ended, arrived in this year as predicted by Sabbatai Zevi, of Smyrna. He accurately predicted the date of the arrival and was there to meet the Jewish Messiah using the kabbalah.

1654: A nova that occurred in 1597 was used by physician Helisaeus Roselin to predict the world during this year.

1656: The world ended this year, as predicted by various Christians, who used Bible math to figure out that it had been 1656 years between Creation and the Flood.

1657: The final battle of Armageddon occurred during this year, leading to massive causalities. This was predicted ahead of time by the Fifth Monarchists. The Antichrist, who hadn't seen a performance since his 1378 appearance, was dusted off and propped on a dead horse and flogged to death by members of the oppositional forces for his poor 1370 and 78 performances, which were so bad audiences still hadn't forgotten them.

1658: After 7,000 years (the world was created in 5,343 BCE, without a 0 date), the world came to an end as predicted by the renowned captain and Native American Right's activist, Christopher Columbus.

1660: The Antichrist, who had first appeared in 456, and brought about the end of the world in 1660. Martin of Tours, despite setting the date at 400 and off by 56 years, was reported as feeling "vindicated" and saying "this is a hard business. It's difficult to get these numbers right, so you have to have a little give and take, y'know?"

1666: The world ended twice this year: once with the Jewish Messiah made a second appearance, as predicted by Sabbatai Zevi, and once when numerous Christians feared that the number 1666 would mark the appearance of the Antichrist, despite being 1,000 more. Interestingly, here in the real world, London burned to the ground in the Great Fire of 1666.

1673: The Millennium began this year, as predicted by William Aspenwall, a Fifth Monarchist.

1688: The end of the world came in this year, as predicted by mathematician John Napier, who used the Book of Revelations to back up his Bible Math.

1689: The world ended this year, according to Pierre Jureiu.

1694: In an unprecedented event, the world ended came to an end three times this year: The Millennium began twice this year, according to John Mason and Johann Heinrich Alsted, and Jesus also made a surprise reappearance, unforeseen by all except for Johann Jacob Zimmerman.

1697: The world ended this year, according to noted New World Puritan Minister, Cotton Mather. It would also end two more times after this, also according Reverend Mather, since the end of the world supposedly tastes like Lay's brand chips: you can't have just one.

1700: The world ended twice this year: It ended once more, according to John Napier, who due to finances was forced to reschedule his last ending of the world. It also ended according to Henry Archer, a Fifth Monarchist, with what was likely the Tenth Coming of Jesus since 1600.

1700-1734: At some point during this window, the world ended again according to Cardinal Nicolaus of Cusa. He supposed made the claim that he was unaware of all the other predictions, but was happy to be vindicated. He is also said to have made the claim that "Napier and Archer are hucksters; I predicted it first in 1700, those bastards just got lucky. Me? I needed a large enough window. You never know in this business; the more room you give yourself, the better off you are."

1705-1708: The end of the world occurred in either 1705, 1706, or 1708, as accurately predicted by the Camisard prophets.

1716: The second end of the world, as recorded by Cotton Mather.

1719, Apr. 5: A comet reportedly slammed into the earth, destroying it, according to Jacob Bernoulli. Due to being within several meters of the impact zone, of an end of the world even that took place 293 years ago, Bernoulli could be reached for comment.

1736: The third and final end of the world, marking an end to Cotton Mather's epic End of the World Trilogy, which he started in 1697. Mather was supposedly weeping tears of joy to have finally finished his life's work.

1736, Oct. 16: Amateur astronomy William Whiston accurately predicts another comet collision, ending the world not even 20 years after the first comet impact ended the world, as reported by Bernoulli.

1757: The last judgment occurred in the "spirit world" this year, according to Emanuel Swedenbourg. When asked for their thoughts on this last judgment on the spirit world, numerous native and animist leaders reported they "had no idea what the hell [Swedenbourg] was talking about".

1776: The world ends when Antichrist arises in the new world and overthrows English rule, forcing England to lose her colonies in the ... wait. Oops. 

1789: The Antichrist appeared, according to 14th century Cardinal Pierre d'Ally, who is on record as having successfully predicted the end of the world 200 years previous.

1792-1794: An accurate prediction of the end of the world placed it between these two years, as predicted by the Shakers cult.

1793 - 1795: Richard Brothers accurately predicts the end of the world and the Millennium during this time. Back in the real world, Brothers was eventually committed to an asylum.

1795, Nov. 19: The world ended on this date, as predicted by Nathanial Hallhed, who was campaigning for the release of prophet Richard Brothers.

1805: Christopher Love accurately predicted the end of the world, in a massive Earthquake, followed by the everlasting rule of God. When contacted for comment, God confirmed the date, with the addendum: "I know this is getting old, but it'd just be mean to leave My followers hanging without proving their predictions right."

1806: A Hen laid an egg in Leeds in which the phrase "Christ is Coming" was written. When asked for confirmation, Jesus confirmed the messages were indeed real, and result of a heavenly campaign manager who had misallocated campaign funds, forcing them to resort to cheaper campaigning methods to announce Jesus' Second Coming than had been used previously.

1814, Dec. 25: Pregnant with the Christ-child, 64-year-old self-described prophet Joanna Southcott, predicted that her child would be born in Christmas. In the real world, Southcott died on the day of her prediction, but an autopsy revealed that she (surprisingly) was not pregnant.

1836: John Wesley accurately foresaw the founding of the Millennium during this time.

1843: Harriette Livermore announced the end of the world this year, accurately predicting it both this time and the second time she made the announcement.

1843: The world ended twice this year. Once on April 28, and the other on December 31. Jesus returned both times, but due to internet lag and appalling processing power on their computers, the Millerites who predicted the Second Coming would miss it because they d/c'd. They would, however, be there for the Third Coming.

1844: The world ended twice this year. Acting as inspiration for an aspiring young Harold Camping, William Miller predicted the world would end on March 21 and then, after being vindicated, went on to spite the world by summoning Jesus again on October 22.

1874: Harriette Livermore's second accurate prediction. Jesus is reported as having been very tired and very worn out, having made so many sudden and successive appearances without a break. The Heavenly Union said they would enter talks with the prophets, warning them attempting to Summon Jesus too many times for fear of violating contractual terms.

1853 - 1856: The Crimean War suddenly boils over into the rest of the world, becoming the battle of Armageddon as believed by many Christians at the time.

1862: The world ended 6,000 years after Creation, in 1862, as accurately predicted by Scottish Clergyman John Cumming.

1863: The Millennium began on this date, as predicted by the Christian Israeli Church. When contacted for questioning, John Wroe was said to be "elated" and "happy that God followed through with his promise yet again".

1873: The second advent occurred, and the world ended yet again, as according to the author of The Present Truth, or Meat in Due Season, Jonas Windell.

1874: Both the Bible Studies Movement and the Seventh Day Adventists accurately predicted the end of the world during this time, shortly on the heels of Jonas Windell's accurate prediction.

1878: Apparently not content to be correct once, the Bible Studies Movement issued yet another correct prediction in 1878.

1881: Both Mother Shipton and the Bible Studies Movement scored an accurate prediction for the end of the world in this year, although because Mother Shipton had been alive in the 1400s, it was difficult to reach her for comment. Her agent did not return our phone calls.

1890: The Ghost Dance lead to the beginning of the Millennium in 1890, as predicted by Wovoka. Exactly why a dance would lead to the second coming of Jesus has since puzzled a great many baptists, who believe dancing sinful.

1892-1911: By reading the careful alignments of the great Pyramids of Giza, the pyramidologist Charles Smyth accurately predicted the end of the world during this window.

1901: The Catholic Apostolic Church proclaimed that Jesus would return following the death of their last member, who died in 1901. Jesus was spotted in the streets of New York, and when questioned, claimed that he was there "just to pick up some Yiddish food."

1908: The Bible Studies Movement issued yet another accurate prediction this year.

1914: Another accurate Bible Studies Movement prediction, which, surprisingly enough, lead to the end of the world sometime between the First Battle of the Marne and the First Battle of Ypres. Soldiers fighting on the Front of World War I were said to be surprised and thought it was Jesus, but it as hard to tell him indiscriminately killing the unsaved from the shells and mustard gas indiscriminately killing everyone.

1915: The Millennium began again for what is likely the 1000th time since 0 CE, making this a recursive, post-modern moment in modern history.

1916: According to a successful prediction by the Bible Studies Movement, World War I did not end with the Treaty of Versillies. Rather, it ended with the Rapture of the Saints, but since so many people had died from the war, it was hard to tell the Raptured from those who had merely been killed.

1918: Another successful ending prediction brought to the world by the Bible Studies Movement.

1920: In 1920, all Earthly governments perished by the sword and anarchy, while God came back down and destroyed entire Churches wholesale. When asked why, God mentioned that he was tired of all the successful predictions of the Bible Studies Movement and was working to destroy the churches so Jesus could get some time off, following the falling through of the Union/Church negotiations.

1925: Joseph F. Rutherford, a Bible Studies Student, predicted the end of the world with the return of people to Israel, who had achieved perfect health through all of their years wandering the world, using Alternative Medicine from the Mystical Far East that would later find its way to the United States, once the world had stopped ending. On September 13 of the same year, Margarette Rowen said that the Angel Gabriel had accurately predicted, and gave to her, that the world would end on Midnight.

1935: Wilbur Voliva, an Evangelist, said the world would go "puff" in September of the year. He accurately predicted the Second Coming of Puff the Magic Dragon, resulting in great confusion.

1936: The Rapture happened and the world ended, according to Herbert Armstrong.

1941: The Jehovah's Witnesses accurately predicted the end times on this date.

1943: Showing off, the Herbert Armstrong predicted the end of the world again, for a second successful time.

1947: Beginning in this year, the world collapsed into post-apocalyptic anarchy, resulting in Lord Humongous taking over the wandering desert tribes and their vehicles, ruling a distant place known only as "the Thunderdome", in accordance with the writings of John Newbrough.

1954, Dec. 21: The planets align precisely with one another and a great rift in the center of the galaxy, producing a cataclysmic effect predicted by the end of the Ancient Mayan Cale... wait. Wrong year. Dorthy Martin accurately predicted the death of the world in a giant flood.

1959, Apr. 22: Florence Houteff began her campaign to warn people of the Rod, which would cause the end of the world... that's not right. She began her campaign to worn people of the end of the world, which was imminent and occurred later that year, and the campaign was world wide and made references to a Biblical rod.

1962, Feb 4. Jeanne Dixon, a renowned psychic and well established prophetess, predicted a planetary alignment that brought about the end of the world, making it around the 5th or 6th planetary alignment to successful eradicate the world.

1967: Humor is set aside for a minute. 1967 was the year that Jim Jones convinced a large number of people that a nuclear apocalypse was imminent. They joined his cult, and he moved them into South America, at Jonestown. The result of this was 909 temple members who died in 1978, including 200 children, killed by cyanide poisoning. Darkly enough, the particular song that started playing at this entry is this one, which wasn't intended but certainly fits.

1967, Aug 20: George van Tassel received an accurate message from the alien Ashtar, who predicts the "third woe of the Apocalypse", which would resulted in the Southern United States being destroyed in a nuclear assault by the Soviets.

1969: Again, humor is set aside. Charles Manson predicted a race war in 1969, and ordered the Tate-LeBlanc Murders in an attempt to bring it about.

1969, Aug. 9: George William accurately predicts the end of the world on the verge of the 1970s, thus saving the world from the horrors of disco and bell-bottoms.

1970: Hal Lindsy publishes the text The Late, Great Planet Earth, which successfully predicts the end of the world. As of this writing, this otherwise successful document is 42-years-old.

1972: Herbert W Armstrong, displaying that age hasn't taken him down at all and he's still pretty spry for an old guy, once again accurately predicts the end of the world, adding to his already extensive collection of accurate predictions.

1972, Jan 11-12: The Comet Kohoutek heralds a great apocalypse, as predicted by David Berg.

1975: The Jehovah's Witnesses successful predict the end of the world and the second coming of Jesus during this time.. Not to be outdone, Herbert W. Armstrong rises to the occasion one more and final time, predicting the end of the world to spite the Jehovah's Witnesses.

1977: John Wroe successfully predicts the end of the world, while William Branham accurately predicts the end of the world as occurring no later than the end of the year.

1980: Leland Johnson, having come off a successful prediction of a nuclear Armageddon in early that year, predicted that God's Kingdom would be established again before the year was over with, shortly after heaven's engineers had dismantled it from the previous Millennial predictions.

1980s: Hal Lindsey, a prophet renowned for the accuracy of his predictions, publishes 1980: Countdown to Nuclear Armageddon, which successful predicts the coming nuclear apocalypse and the reestablishment of the Millennial.

1981: Chuck Smith predicted that the generation of 1948 would be the last generation. He was correct; the world ended and there were no further generations following the prediction.

1982 Mar 10: John Gribbin and Stephan Plagemann successfully predicted the planetary alignment that would destroy the world that year, undermining all of God's previous attempts to establish a Millennial kingdom as predicted in 1980 and frustrating the saved, who didn't expect such a sudden end to their paradise.

1982, Oct/Nov. Pat Robertson makes his first, of many, correct predictions regarding the end of the world and the second coming of Jesus.

1984, Oct 2: Jehovah's Witnesses yet again successfully predicted the end of the world. Pat Robertson is on record as having accused them of aping off of his already pin-point accurate prediction.

1985: Lester Samerall joins the rank of successful prophets to predict the end of the world. This is also the year that I was born.

1987-88: An accurate prediction on the end of the world issued by Noah Hutchings, president of the Southwest Radio Church. He, with pinpoint accuracy, predicted the world as ending "sometime in 1987 or 1988."

1987, Apr 29: Leland Johnson is successful in yet another prediction on the end of the world.

1988: Hal Lindsey successfully predicted the Rapture yet again, this time in the year of 1988. He then went on to sell millions more copies of his book, The Late, Great, Planet Earth.

1988 Sept/Oct: Edgar Whisenant successfully predicted the date of the apocalypse, with laser-like accuracy, as occurring sometime between the months of September and October.

1989, Sept. 30: On a roll from his last prediction, Whisenant once again called the end of the world on this date in 1989.

1991: Esteemed Louis Farrakhan, leader of the tolerant and open Nation of Islam, accurately called the Iraq War the "War of Armageddon."

1992, Sept 28: A successful attempt to predict the apocalypse occurred on this day, in 1992, as predicted by Born-Again Christian Rollen Stewart.

1993: David Berg's prediction of the Tribulation, which began in 1988, successfully reached completion by 1993, marking the return of the Millennium.

1994, May 2: Neal Chase called the end of the world 40 days after a nuclear attack on New York, resulting in a bombing that leveled the city and won him drinks on the house at the local bar for the remainder of the tribulation.

1994, Sept/Oct: Legendary Prophet Harold Camping, learning from the previous predictions of those before successfully predicted the end of the world exactly during this time, as "sometime between September and October", validating that God hates the months of April, September, and October.

1995, Mar 15: Prophet Harold Camping scores yet another successful prediction of the Rapture.

1996, Dec 17: Sheldon Nidle, a Californian psychic, successfully predicted the end of the world when 16 million people were hoisted up into a space ship populated with angels.

1997, Mar 26: Marshall Applewhite, leader of the Heaven's Gate cult, lead his cult out during the appearance of the Comet Hale-Bop.

1997, Oct. 23: James Ussher, a 17th century Irish Bishop best known for his accurate measure of the Earth's age (at ~6,000 years old), accurate predicted the end of the world on this date, exactly 6,000 years since Creation.

1999: The Seventh Day Adventists once again accurately predict the end of the world, while Charles Berlitz, a linguist best known for his guide books on specific languages, accurately predicted the end of the world, but was a little hazy on how it would be ending.

1999, Jul: Bucking the trend, as daring young prophets are known to do, Nostradamus predicted a "terror king" who came from the sky, leading to the end of the world that many feared that it would.

'Before' 2000: Hal Lindsy once again managed to successfully predict the end of the world following his 1980s predictions, as did Gordon Lindsy, Timothy Dwight IV, the Jehovah's Witnesses, and conspiracy nut, Texe Marrs.

2000: Peter Olivi, a 13th century Theology wishing to give himself a lot of wiggle room, predicted the rise of the Antichrist in 1300 or 1340, and the end of the Antichrist's reign in 2000. Helena Blatvasky also correctly foresaw the world ending in 2000, although Theosophy was an entirely different set of reasons than the Antichrist, who apparently had stepped down following his tragic 1300s performance. Isaac Newton also accurately predicted the arrival Jesus and the Millennial in 2002, while self-proclaimed Christian Psychic Ruth Montegomery successfully predicted the change in the Earth's axial tilt that lead to the appearance of the Antichrist. Ed Dobson, Reverend Moon, and Lester Sumerall also accurately predicted the end at this time, while Edgar Cayce, a renowned prophet, predicted the second coming, along with 18th century Johnathan Edwards, who predicted Jesus' Millennial beginning this year. Jerry Jenkins and Tim LeHaye predicted a Y2K bug causing an economic collapse that would lead to the end of the world, while Jerry Falwell said that God would pour his judgment on the Earth. Not all of these predictions came true; understandably, the Hosts of Heaven didn't have enough manpower to make them all occur, but like Santa, according to the Archangel Michael, "We couldn't do it all, but we gave it that old college try anyway."

2001: Tynetta Muhammad accurately predicted the end of the world. She is a columnist for the Nation of Islam.

2003, May: Earth collides with Nibiru, according to the prophetess Nancy Lieder, who was receiving messages from the aliens at Zeti Reticuli warning her of the event.

2006, Sept 21: The House of Yahweh, related to IHOP But without the pancakes, released a newsletter that predicted the end of the world in nuclear Armageddon.

2007, Apr 29: Legendary Prophet Pat Robertson once again predicts the end of the world, with such success that it's unnerving.

2008: The world ends with the LHC goes online, producing strangelets that turn the planet Earth into a mass of strange matter.

2010: The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn successfully predicted the end of the world during this year, using their magic to likely foresee the imminent doom.

2011, May 21: Legendary Prophet Harold Camping makes another successful prediction on the end of the world. However, God called in sick that day, telling Harold Camping that, while successful, he would need to reschedule the apocalypse. However, God did carry out a "Spiritual Judgment," according to Camping. When asked for their thoughts on this last judgment on the spirit world, numerous native and animist leaders reported they "had no idea what the hell [Swedenbourg] [Camping] was talking about".

2011, Aug-Oct: Despite the best efforts of scientists to lie to the people about their intentions, the Comet Elenin both collided with and passed close enough by the Earth to disturb the crust, resulting in a new apocalypse.

2011, Sept 29: Roland Weinland predicted, in 2008, what would eventually come to pass: the second coming of Jesus, and the explosions that blew up American port cities, resulting in the blowing of the second horn of Revelations. This was his first successful prediction; he would later schedule the same prediction again in May of 2012, just to show off.

2011, Oct 21: Harold Camping's original 2011 prediction completed with the second coming, proving Camping right, as he had been ever since 1994, when he started.

2012, May 27: Weinland's second replay of his 2011 prediction comes to pass, and once again, the port cities are annihilated in a burst of nuclear flames.

2012, Dec. 21: The Mayan long count calender, which is shaped like a circle, rolls over to its new era. Meanwhile, Earth will be destroyed in a supernova, by a collision with Nibiru, an alien invasion, geomagnetic reversal, and finally, the sheer pain of being overwhelmed with bad television predicting events that will never happen, and never have happened.

So stop worrying about the end of the world. It hasn't happened yet, and if it does happen on December 21, it wont be because it was predicted ahead of time: it'll be because of some fluke coincidence that likely couldn't be predicted anyway. I'll probably be around (I have the month of December off) but I'm announcing now that I will be here to see you folks in 2013. I hope you'll still be here, too.

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