Sunday, September 25, 2011

Coming to Terms

I've done a lot of thinking lately about certain aspects of my life. I've hinted more than a few times that I've been confused about my sexuality and gender. Normally, I wouldn't bring it up, because I'm aware that it can sound like I'm pulling the "I just want to be special, too!" card, but that's not the case. Up until this point, I was legitimately confused about who I was and what I wanted, out of both myself and life.

Not anymore.

As of today, I believe I've finally come to terms with who I am. I've only recently been bringing it up in posts related to sexuality, sexism, and such, but trust me - this has been going on for a while now. It was overshadows for most of my life by my depression, social anxiety and ADHD. Because this marks the beginning of my second year on medication (the first year was very successful; may this one be just as successful), I've got a clear enough head to approach this question with. I was really uncomfortable grappling with it - part of it was certainly denial, because while I prefer to think of myself as an enlightened individual, we all stumble, we all fall down, and we all are products of our society, and I'm no different. My complicated emotional situation didn't seem to help - my attractions and my outlook on myself seemed to vary by the day, if not the hour. While my emotions are far more stable (some days), how I identified was not.

But, after much introspection today, I've come to terms:

If I refer to myself as male, it's because I'm referring to my biology. Mentally and emotionally, I can be either. While I don't mind being called "he", I also wouldn't mind being referred to as "she" either, and if you want to use gender neutral pronouns, I encourage it (I'll still end up using "he" when I refer to myself in the third person 90% of the time anyway, out of habit). I am both genders, at the same time or at different times, but I am *not* attracted to all types of individuals; reviewing my long list of crushes in the past has shown this to me (there's not a single guy on there). I'm not completely straight, but at the same time, I'm bi only under special circumstances (that is, it takes a really good looking man, but I'm not ashamed to admit that. I did mention I was shallow too, right?). Romantically, though, I'm straight. Which, given my genderfluid nature, opens up a whole bunch of other questions that I'm just happier not dealing with at the moment. I don't feel masculine, I've never felt masculine, I think machismo is a joke and I laugh at it, and I've never felt like I'm capable of living up to being the male in any relationship, and honestly, I don't think I want to. For ease of pigeonholing, I'm genderfluid-straight. I'm comfortable with this.

I am what I am. No use in grappling with it or trying to deny it any further.

Now if only the future where I could make the most of this would hurry up and get here, it wouldn't seem so awkward...

Anyway, I promise this is the last post about myself for a while. I'll bring back the science posts, the politics posts, and Human Black Box beginning next week, once my life catches up with me. I just needed a place to get this off of my chest and help clear out my brain for the beginning of next week.

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on finally being able to begin this journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Im a fan of your blog and really like the way you think (insomuch as I've gathered from your writing that is). Dont let anyone ever make you feel like your identity is wrong or unnatural, and most importantly, dont forget to be awesome.
    Kudos friend.