Friday, October 21, 2011

Happy Rapture! (again)

[Enigma's note: I'm publishing this a day early. I might not get the chance to tomorrow, but it won't be because of the Rapture.]

It's October 22st, 2011. You know what this means, right?

Of course you do.

Yesterday, millions thousands hundreds tens Only Real True Christians were scooped up, and spirited away to the heavens in the Second Coming of the Lord. Over night, people vanished, stripped naked and soaring up to meet their Lord and Creator in the sky high overhead. Soon, the Great Tribulation will begin, and we'll be electing some guy named Nicolai Carpathiescu to rule the United Nations. All of God's believers, who wasted their lives doing nothing but trying to make others miserable, who lived their lives in miserable ridicule because they demanded people believe their fantastic but ultimately true fairy tales, all those poor souls who squandered the greatest gift at all, who repressed everything about themselves and refused to let themselves enjoy life for just one second without fearing that they were going to be damned, have been vindicated.

Yesterday, all six Real True Christians were Raptured away to meet God.

With only six of them gone, is it any wonder nobody noticed?

Oh, wait, this is just breaking - five of them were sent back. Apparently, only Real Christians were allowed. I wonder who the lucky bastard was that got Raptured.

I can poke fun at this all day. It wouldn't be the only one on the Internet doing it, either, so instead, let me look at something - let's take a look at what would really happen if the Rapture did happen.

First, depending on which fantasy you adhere to, there's either pretribulation, tribulation, or posttribulation. Pretribulation means God is (or once) on the ball and gets his flock before shit goes down. Tribulation means that God, who was busy playing Sims, realizes that he left his Tribulation machine on and quickly pulls the clothes out before they get too wet. And we've all been Post-tribulation before; it happens when you throw something in the microwave and walk off, get distracted, and come back to find out that you burned it. In the microwave.

Now, Pre-tribulation is the best for us secular individuals. See, with all those bastards gone, we can actually start with some real social changes, without having them in the way to slow our progress down. Hell, you'd see the Antichrist from a mile away - there are only thousands of books/movies/songs/TV "documentaries" warning about his rise and fall. In fact, there might not even be an Antichrist - if he was smart, he'd avoid the role like the plague, and find a job that took him far away from any kind of power:

Person: "Hello? Yes, I'd like a McDouble plan, with two small orders of fries and a McFlurry."
Antichrist: "Okay, that'll be five sixteen. Pull around to the next window."
With all the right-wing Christians gone and out of the way, we could being spending on stem cell research. With no Antichrist, God can't carry out his grand scheme, which means it gets stalled even before it starts, so those that were Raptured just hang around in limbo. Then we go on to develop all sorts of advanced technology that allows us to defeat death and become effectively immortal at a much faster rate, because the Rapture of the RTCs was quite possibly the best thing to ever happen to the world.

And with death defeated, them and their god can just sod off. We won't ever have to deal with those selfish assholes again.

That'd be something else, wouldn't it? A future without having TEA Party types, or Right-Wing Evangelical Christians, to muddy it up. That'd be perfect.

You know, I'm actually rather disappointed the Rapture didn't happen today.

But I can't wait to see what Camping says next.

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