Wednesday, June 29, 2011

All Aboard the Failboat!

I'm a regular over at the web forum Fundies Say the Darndest Things. Sometimes, I'll see a post that just leaves me breathless. Most of the time, though, they leave me with a concussion, and my desk grumbling angrily at me. Very rarely I end up with ones that get me sick. This is more of the first two than of the last one, and it inspired me. Rather than heavy issues for this post, I figure I'll poke fun at a Creationist argument by Mr. Banana-man himself, Ray Comfort.

Ray has his own blog that he keeps entitled, creatively enough, "Ray Comfort Food". This fellow thinks that he's had atheists on the ropes now for the last several years, with the ultimate proof being the how easily bananas fit in our hands (hence his nickname - Banana-man Comfort). A recent post over at is from Ray's blog, wherein he builds several straw atheists and proceeds to attacking them in a question and answer session. As an atheist who is decidedly un-straw (although crows and ravens still laugh at me; the fact that they're some of the most intelligent animals on the planet means this should concern me more than it does), I'm going to "respond" in kind. Keep in mind, it's the straw-skeptic that's asking these questions. My response will be the red text - the pretentiously named Word of Enlightenment. I'll also be rendering Mr. Straw Atheists' questions into real answers one might get from an actual atheist as we go along... providing I can. This will be the Word of Science, which is obviously in blue.

[Enter: Straw Atheist, Banana Man, Word of Enlightenment, Word of Science. There is a table, and the lights are low before brightening.]

Straw Atheist Asks: God is Light, yet He creates the sun, for what purpose? 
Banana Man Responds: He created the sun so that we could have life on this planet. Without the sun, there can be no life.
Word of Enlightenment Says: It's even simpler than that, Mr. Banana Man. See, He created the sun so we wouldn't be stumbling around in the dark. Betcha didn't think about that one, now did you? See, that's the problem with you straw atheists. You never think this stuff through, and you go around asking these stupid questions.
Word of Science Asks: Where's your proof of God?

Straw Atheist Asks: God is Light, and He creates Himself by saying let there be light.
Banana Man Responds: God is light, but the sun is created light. Science tells us that it had a beginning. God was its first cause.
Word of Enlightenment Says: Ow my brain meats...
Word of Science Says: *crawls up into a corner and cries*

Straw Atheist Asks: God creates the moon as a light, but we know it is not a light.
Banana Man Responds: We are aware that it merely reflects the sun's light, but it is a light that shines at night, as the Bible says. Haven't you heard of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata?
Word of Enlightenment Says: Thus we see the time honored tradition of the Argumentum ad Decomposing Composer, which is sort like an appeal to authority, but not remotely like it. So take that, Mr. Straw Atheist! Yeah, and for my encore, I'm going to pull out Igor Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring to prove creationism!
Word of Science Says: ... But... you didn't answer the question!

Straw Atheists Asks: Why create a light before the sun/stars/moon? Surely God can work in the dark just as easily.
Banana Man Responds: Again, God is light. He doesn't need anything to show Him His creation. The darkness it like light to Him (see Psalm 139:11-12).
Word of Enlightenment Says: Yeah! Go get 'em! Everyone knows God has darkvision, just like any high-level planar entity would!
Word of Science Says: What?

Straw Atheist Asks: God creates the Earth before the Sun, what gravitational field is the Earth sitting in?
Banana Man Responds: Every planetary body (including the Earth) is surrounded by its own gravitational field, which exerts an attractive force on all objects. God created gravity, and He holds all things together by His own power (see Colossians 1:17).
Word of Enlightenment Says: Actually, Mr. Banana man, you've go that wrong. And don't even get me started on you, Mr. Straw Atheist. Anyone who reads the Bible at all knows the world is flat (Genesis 1:6-7, Isaiah 14:13, and Psalms 24:2). By virtue of the world being flat, it's impossible for the sun to exert any force at all, since the earth doesn't move, so gravity doesn't exist. Instead, because God holds everything together, I posit the Theory of Intelligent Falling. I'm disheartened, Mr. Banana man. I shouldn't have to correct a man of your stature.
Word of Science Says: Wat.

Straw Atheist Asks: God creates things in three days with "evening and morning" yet in order to have an evening and morning it relies on the Earth to rotate and the light source to come from a point, but God is everywhere.
Banana Man Responds: God created every law of nature, and He is not bound by His own creation. He has power over thunder, lightning, earthquakes, the sun, and the wind, and even over you will eventually find out.
Word of Enlightenment: That's right - concepts like free will are right out the window. And besides, I already dealt with this "rotation" myth, Mr. Straw Atheist. If you weren't so boneheaded, you'd understand. Anyway, what's the use of creating natural laws if you don't abide by them - even God agrees that rules are meant to be broken!
Word of Science Says: I... I...

Straw Atheist Asks: Why did God only create radiation of a certain wave-length?
Banana Man Responds: You will have to ask Him that one yourself. However, please realize that He will not even hear (take notice of) your requests while you have sin or doubt in your life (see Psalm 66:18). So don’t expect an answer (see James 1:6-7).
Word of Enlightenment Says: Smoooth that transition, duck the question, now hit 'em with the sale's pitch! Yeah, at this rate, Mr. Banana Man, we'll get a shit load in heavenly commission fees! It's pretty bad when you're ducking the questions of your own strawmen, isn't it?
Word of Science: That's it, I quite! Who the hell writes this garbage, anyway?

[Exeunt: Word of Science, swearing and shouting down the hall, followed by others.]

And thus ends another exciting round table discussion. Until next time - All Aboard the Failboat!

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