He's Killing that Jacket

So, I'm behind the curve (yet again). Apparently, wannabe presidential-hopeful Rick "Texas Teabagging Thug" Perry has a new political ad out. One of the reasons I'm behind the times is because I really don't watch TV, so I don't see this stuff. Another reason is because I don't deliberately go looking for information on this man, it just has it's way of gravitating to me. And because I'm opinionated, it goes without saying I've got something to say about this abomination of a political ad.

So, without further ado, let's watch this magnificent, Shakespearean-in-its-elegance political ad (am I damning with false praise? Now, now, be fair: Perry is so far lost he deserves all the praise he can get):

Staring with line one:

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian

Well that'd be a first. Trust me, if I were a Christian, I'd be really ashamed right now. But hey, this is what happens when you lack sentience and self-awareness. This is a very excellent way to start this ad off, because of who he's targeting. He's aiming for about 40% of the Republican base, while in the process, torpedoing his chances with the remaining 60%. But fuck, if they can't do basic science or master basic English, why the hell should they be able to do basic math, too? He's killing that jacket, though. Really; he rocks the jacket in ways our puny secular minds can barely comprehend.

For most people, sliding off an icy road into a ditch is terrifying. However, I'm from Michigan. This is not terrifying. In fact, the usual response is something along the lines of "Here, hold my beer and watch this." I'm pretty sure that's what Perry was thinking: "I'm sliding off the campaign trail... I need an ad that will appeal to 40% of the population while basically killing my chance with the other 60%. Oh, I know! Hey y'all, watch this!"

Just ask Jeff Foxworthy. Them is famous last words.

Someone get the shovel and spade out. Que up taps. This one's DOA.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country...

 This is about the only thing he gets right in this ad. Unfortunately, it's sandwiched between two incredibly stupid thoughts that utterly undermine this statement. Here, let me fix this:

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country when the top 1% own something like 50% of the wealth.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country when the police respond to peaceful protests with violence and militarization. 

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country when one of the major political parties is waging a war on the underclass and stripping them of their right to vote.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country when women are treated as something less than human, not allowed their own choices in life, and aren't trusted to know what they need for their own bodies.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country when you can get targeted for police oppression simply because of the color of your skin, or get paid less because the plumbing between your legs is different.

But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong with this country when all of the current Republican presidential candidates are fucking jokes.

See, there's a couple of different ways I could straighten that out. And if he'd done anyone of those, then... ah, screw it. Who am I kidding? That'd be asking way too much.

but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school

Dance fucker, dance! Bwhahaha. Your Evangelical base will have you dancing to their tune or your ass is outta here!

This is why we have Poe's law. Seriously - kids can openly celebrate Christmas or pray in schools. They're free to form prayer groups, meet around the flag pole each morning, and pray until their little hearts are content. This is a flat fucking lie. Of course, by this time, I'd be disappointed if I met a right-wing Evangelical that didn't lie. That's like, peanut butter and jelly. Lying and evangelicalism go hand-in-hand. My world view is validated each time I hear one of these people lie. It's one of the few consistences in this uncertain world. If an evangelical Christian told me the sky was blue, I'd check for myself.

That's right. And you'll never be able to celebrate Christmas again, either, because I'm the liberal Grinch that stole it! And you'll never have your ... whatever the hell those things are that I stole. And I'll never have to worry about you people finding the true meaning of Christmas and making my heart grow three sizes that day because you idiots don't even know what it is. All the Whos in Evangelical Ville gathered around and wondered where the hell their gifts went.

"Damn liberals!"

And the Liberal Grinch slid away into the night, laughing all the way.

My part in the War on Christmas this year will be restricted to greeting everyone I meet with "Happy Holidays." Because, seriously, I'm not going to try and guess your religion based on your last name.

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Miller!"

"I'm Jewish."

As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion. And I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.

It's a good thing that'll never happen then. That's what happens when you target the bottom 40.

"B4"
"Damn it! You sunk my campaign!"

Obama, our Marxist-in-Chief, has an ongoing war on religion, Perry said so, therefore, it's true. Seriously, if the Right is barometer to go by, Obama has got to be the most talented man on the planet: he's managed to become every single boogieman that the Right's ever had, wrapped into one. I'm impressed. It's a good thing we live in a post-race society, otherwise I'd think it was because he was Black.

Can I play in this ongoing war against religion? Seriously. I bet you liberals out there think this is funny, leaving me out of the loop like this. First you run off with this business about the "gay agenda," and I don't even get the memo. Then you go and declare a War on Easter, and I've never even heard of that one. Then, you manage to ban prayer and any mention of Christmas, and I never even knew about it. You did that behind my back. That was followed by a push to teach kindergarteners about teh buttsechs, which, again, you never told me about. And finally, a full-scale, bombs-to-the-wall War against Religion, in the hearts and minds of the American people (some of the most pious and religious on the planet) - I'm beginning to think you left-wingers out there are doing this on purpose, because you don't want me to play with you anymore :(

Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.

Faith [in my bullshit God] made American [according to my bullshit history] strong. It can [according to my bullshit opinion] make her [her? Columbia, a pagan goddess? Are you telling me that Gaiman was right all along, and gods really do need prayer to survive? Didn't you start this add of claiming how you're not ashamed to be Christian?] strong again. So vote Rick Perry, because he believes in the goddess Columbia and wants to make her strong again.

I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.

I'm not but I approve this message. Way to set the bar low. I'm pretty sure I don't have any questions here, do you? Of course, you can always follow him on Tweeter, so I suppose if you have any additional questions, you can aim them that way. Now, as for his Twitter account...

So what did I learn from this ad? What was the ad's ultimate message?

I learned that there's a thousand ways to say somethings stupid, but one surefire way to kill your campaign is to aim low, for the bottom 40. We keep telling them that they're aiming low; they apparently realized it and now they're consciously doing it. My world view was reinforced; and I learned that Rick Perry apparently worships the goddess Columbia and wants to make her strong again through prayer (which is not allowed), and Christmas, while keeping gays out of the military. Because apparently Columbia needs prayer, likes Christmas, and hates Teh Ghey. I also learned that liberals hate me, and you bastards are intentionally keeping me out of the loop on this stuff. Not cool, guys :(

Oh, and, uh... I'm Enigma, and I approve this message. I was going to make a third comment, but I forgot what it was.. oops.

Aha! No I didn't. A little song:

NOW I approve this message.