Friday, July 6, 2012

Judeo-Christian Mystery Religion

This has been making its rounds on the Internet for a sometime now, and I've been waiting until I got a free moment before I comment on it.

Texas has a new Republican platform. And it's everything we've come to know and love from these motherfucking shit-for-brain idiots on the right. If you thought the Iowa platform was bad, boy howdy, you ain't seen nothing yet...

With this, the Republicans have finally struck a blow at the reality and in the process, created a gaping singularity of stupid that is slowly draining the collective IQ nationwide.

We begin with the Preamble. All of these platforms have a preamble, and the preamble is there to merely reaffirm, at least on paper, that yes, we are serious and yes we do believe this.

We STILL hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. The embodiment of the conservative dream in America is Texas. Throughout the world people dare to dream of freedom and opportunity. The Republican Party of Texas unequivocally defends that dream. We strive to preserve the freedom given to us by God, implemented by our Founding Fathers, and embodied in the Constitution. We recognize that the traditional family is the strength of our nation. It is our solemn duty to protect life and develop responsible citizens. We understand that our economic success depends upon free market principles. If we fail to maintain our sovereignty, we risk losing the freedom to live these ideals.
Spot the First Amendment violations. Go ahead.

Once again, we get this glurge about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but as you read this, that only applies to you if you're a fetus or a wealthy white male, because anything else has been shat up by our glorious creator, who endowed the fetuses and wealthy white men with these rights so they could lord them over women of all stripes and men who weren't white or were poor.

And we promise to defend that dream. We'll die to defend it, just like we did at the Alamo, one of the more pointless and wasteful stands ever made in military history. Because this right here is every bit as pointless and wasteful.

They recognize traditional family, and by that, they mean one man and as many women as he can marry a man and his brother's wife if his brother dies a man and wife who are both of the same color a man and woman, because it's always been like this, and don't you let those lying liberals tell you any different! It's tradition, damn it! What do you we're doing, inventing things out of whole cloth because we think that gays are icky and gross? We're mature adults, damn it! We want to defend marriage, we want it, want it, want it, want it NOW! *stamps foot and scowls*

It's our solemn duty to protect life and develop responsible (i.e., not black or brown, or women who run around having sex because they can but men can no problem) citizens. We understand economic success depends upon free market principles (except we don't know what free market means, and we throw the word around without a fucking clue one in our head; which is new how? This isn't new. This is a feature, not a bug). And if we fail to maintain our sovereignty (against who? Who's taking it?), we risk losing these ideals (read: if we don't stop that ebbil gubbment, then we gonna have ta' share our rights!)

Anyway, enough mocking the Preamble. Let's roll with the real balls-to-the-wall mind-numbing stupidity packed into this PDF.

Strict adherence to the original intent of the Declaration of Independence and U.S. and Texas Constitutions.
The sanctity of human life, created in the image of God, which should be protected from fertilization to natural death.
Preserving American and Texas Sovereignty and Freedom.
Limiting government power to those items enumerated in the U.S. and Texas Constitutions.
Personal Accountability and Responsibility.
Self-sufficient families, founded on the traditional marriage of a natural man and a natural woman.
Having an educated population, with parents having the freedom of choice for the education of their children.
Americans having the right to be safe in their homes, on their streets, and in their communities, and the unalienable right to defend themselves.
A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies.
Honoring all of those that serve and protect our freedom.
“The laws of nature and nature’s God” as our Founding Fathers believed.
These are the principles. Note: the Declaration of Independence has no legal authority. And they really need to stop treating the Constitution like they treat the Bible; reading it once in a while wouldn't hurt, but that requires higher order thinking skills, which they're against (think I'm kidding? huh?)

Again, they're for the sanctity of life so long as that life is defined as beginning at "conception" and ending at birth. Otherwise, fuck life. It exists so we can throw it into the meatgrinder of war to make money for the rich and wealthy. Also, it's created in the Image of God. God chose a pretty crappy ass image to make himself in (someone made God, right? Where did God come from? If he was always there, whey was he in this form? As inefficient and ugly as this is, with all of the problems that this frame possesses, why did God have this one? If he's all powerful, why didn't he just make a new form and create us in that image - one without an appendix or wisdom teeth?) Also, that's why they're working so hard to deny health care to children who need it - they're pro-life. So long as you're a fetus, you're protected. The minute you become a child, though... fuck you, kid. If you're not old enough to serve in the military or loose a limb working in a factory that's unsafe, you don't matter to us.

Personal Accountability and Responsibility. Like whining and crying when you have to pay taxes or screaming about how much you hate teachers when you us public schools like the rest of us. That kind of personal accountability and responsibility - which is to say, everyone else needs to be held personally accountable and needs to be responsible, but because you're a rich White Male (or a moron who's deluded themselves into thinking they can be one), you don't have to be.

Self-sufficient families, which is pretty stupid since most families are self-sufficient anyway. That self-sufficient is just there so they can cram that homophobia at the end of the sentence and say "Nuh uh! We want families to be 'self-sufficient', which requires a mother and father, because it's tradition (see above)." *Sage nod*

Having an educ... what the fuck is this? This is just stupid. Everything that happens after this blatantly contradicts it. This blew up my irony meter.

Americans have the right to be safe in their homes, on the streets, and in their communities, and the unalienable right to defend themselves. Unless, of course, you're black or brown. Then you're just a criminal.

There's that word again, "free enterprise." You use that word. Do you know what it means? And they don't want government subsidiaries or regulations. Liberty University would be up shit creek without government money, so maybe they should rethink that. And don't haul out the oil spill in the gulf, one of the worst man-made disasters in the last decade, because God has checks and balances in place. Which is why this summer is the hottest on record and it's only getting hotter. Which is why it makes no sense to think that CO2 would warm our atmosphere when, clearly, it hasn't done anything wrong for Venus. They believe in Venus, right? They think that it still exists, right? It's not just Satan's illusion to convince people that Intelligent Falling isn't real, right? To lead them to the fake Theory of Gravity?

"Laws of Nature and God's Nature." What the hell are "laws of nature", anyway? This term gets thrown around a lot, but I know they're not talking in the term of scientific laws, otherwise they wouldn't be so quick to throw out evolution and all of the laws that that require the theory in order to function. Behold, the laws of nature! They're... uh... they're.... uh... uh... stuff that isn't icky! Whatever my Pastor tells me on Sunday morning!

Oh, but not all of "Laws of Nature" apply here. I think the Republican Party is the intellectual equivalent of Necrotizing fasciitis, so it's no surprise that they'd support that "natural law", but not any other "law" that's inconvenient for them.

And the Founding Fathers. We can't go far without inserting a reference to the Founding Fathers. You gotta paint yourself in the stars and stripes and hurl yourself into patriotism, because to do anything less would be an insult to the Founding Fathers, who these morons couldn't even name, let alone recognize if they saw a letter or document from them!

From here on end, I'm just going to pull out the stuff that stands out to me.


Religious Symbols - We oppose any governmental action to restrict, prohibit, or remove public display of the Decalogue or other religious symbols.
Pledge of Allegiance - We support adoption of the Pledge Protection Act. We also urge that the National Motto “In God We Trust” and National Anthem be protected from legislative and judicial attack.
American English - We support adoption of American English as the official language of Texas and of the United States.
Flag Desecration - Any form of desecration of the American Flag is an act of disregard for our nation and its people and penalties should be established for such.
Flag Code – The U.S. flag code should be made into Law and not left to the sole discretion of the President.
Symbols of American Heritage - We call upon governmental entities to protect all symbols of our American heritage from being altered in any way.
Confederate Widows Plaque - We call for restoration of plaques honoring the Confederate Widow’s Pension Fund contribution that were illegally removed from the Texas Supreme Court building.
If they made the Flag Code into law, the Tea Partiers would be fucked. The Flag Code says you can't print the flag on clothing, and you're not suppose to wear the flag as an article of clothing. All those flags printed on shirts, people walking around at Tea Party gatherings with the flags - that'd be illegal under the flag code.

They want to protect those symbols unless, you know, they're some kind of symbol of inconvenient truth, like slavery. Because slavery we never a part of my parent's heritage, and as a White American, I take offense to the fact that you'd brand me a slave owner or even racist! I'm so sick and tired of everyone talking about slavery; why can't you people just get over it!? But I'm not racist, so don't you dare say I am! Because that's just not true! I have plenty of friends who are black!

Nothing with the word "Confederate" needs to be honored. You cannot serve two masters. You can't be a Christian and serve Mammon and the Free Market, and you can't be an American and serve the Confederacy. It is that simple. Flying the Confederate battle flag should be considered an act of treason and tried as such (and I'm not kidding).

I wonder how they'd feel if a Muslim or a Sikh tried to put up their religious symbols using public property. I've seen this show before, I've watched this game too many times to know what the end result is; everyone goes up in arms, Christians loose their shit in the Christ-like way, and show themselves to be little more than bigots painted in Jesus and hurled down before the alter of Mammon. And it's not always Christians that do it, but these people are Christians. When they talk about "religious", they're talking Christian, because that's the only religion that'd have these special rights. Everyone else? Hah. Do you honestly think you'd ever see a statue supported and devoted to neo-Paganism put up on public property without these people going apeshit? If you think that it can happen, I have to ask what world you live in. Because it's not this one.

Burning this nation's flag is protected by the First Amendment. If you attach any religious significance to the flag, I have to ask "why". It's a piece of cloth. It has dye on it. If I want to show I'm pissed off with this country and the direction it's taken, I can't think of a better way to do it than light the flag on fire and stomp it into the ground. I think it's a waste of fabric personally, but the flag doesn't embody anything. Burning the United States flag is protected - as it should be. Why does it not surprise me, that in their fevered, jingoistic, disease-addled dreams, they think that this should be illegal? Save me your faux-patriotism. Real patriotism is standing up and criticizing your country and not being scared to light the flag on fire once in a while to show you're upset with how things are going and you're done taking it; the country has divorced itself from its principles and as a result, the flag doesn't symbolism anything except for fake patriotism and lies. Besides, that's a whole hell of a lot better than advocating armed insurrection against the government.

Morning After Pill - We oppose sale and use of the dangerous “Morning After Pill.”
There's nothing explaining why they think it's dangerous. Just that they say it's "dangerous". I'd say citation needed, but you know, that implies there's anyway you could justify this without engaging in some kind of intellectual circlejerk of stupid ideas and biased studies carried out by Bob Jones University and Liberty University, ponying those up as "proof."
Conscience Clause - We believe that doctors, nurses, pharmacists, any employees of hospitals and insurance companies, health care organizations, medical and scientific research students, and any employee should be protected by Texas law if they conscientiously object to participate in practices that conflict with their moral or religious beliefs, including but not limited to abortion, the prescription for and dispensing of drugs with abortifacient potential, human cloning, embryonic stem cell research, eugenic screenings, euthanasia, assisted suicide, and the withdrawal of nutrition and hydration. We call on the Texas Legislature to pass legislation to strengthen and clarify the current conscience clause in the Occupational Code to include the above-mentioned persons and practices. We further encourage legislation that requires hospitals and clinics to inform all health care personnel of their right to refuse to become involved in abortion or euthanasia, and their protection from prosecution and retaliation under Texas law.
If you don't want to read that, it's that same bullshit that allows doctors to lie to their patients or pharmacists to deny women birth control if it's against their religion. So if you get some kind of nutty left-wing anti-science "pro-organic" fool in there, they can deny you your medication in favor of something like homeopathy, because it's against their consciousness to poison you. Or your doctor can not give your child shots so they can die from measles or rubella because they cannot, in good conscious, give your child autism. None of those come up, though, because they're not thinking this through. This only applies to one thing, and that's "abortion." That's all these fuckers ever think about when they do shit like this; I wonder how well they'd take it if someone said, "it's against my conscious to give you this medication, because you're a Christian and you should know that God works in mysterious ways. You'll get better if you pray. That you're suffering from the Bubonic plague is irrelevant to me; after all, God gave you it for a reason."

If you're wondering what the fuck is wrong with these people, here's the crown jewel. This one sums up everything that's wrong with these people in one, succulent point. They do it better than I ever could.
Knowledge-Based Education – We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority.
There's why. This right here; this sums up everything that's wrong with them. "We Oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills" pretty much sums up everything that they live for. You don't need to learn. We need good (read: ignorant and stupid) little duckies who will march into war because Big Brother and Big Father said so.

Go ahead and look at the platform if you're interested in spending the rest of the evening with a headache. But right now, I need to go take an Advil or something, because this is just way too much for even me to handle.

Jesus fuck man, they oppose critical thinking! I mean, I guess that explains everything, but for them to be so honest about it...

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