The New Christian Sharia

If you've ever wondered what a critical failure in civics looks like, look no further than the Liberty Council. In a pique of fantasy, they rewrote the Constitution. Christian extremists masturbating their faith over civic law is nothing new in this country; whether it's lying and claiming that "we're a Christian nation" or lying about Thomas Jefferson and the founding fathers/framers of the Constitution, a document they hold in such high regard they've never read, for fear it might be sacrilege. Their ideas are like all the different superpositions of an atom - once you look at it, they collapse (this is provided you accept wave-function collapse).

For those unfamiliar, the Liberty Council is an insult to pathetic jokes in the field of law. They basically have to lie about being a law firm, because they sit at the intersection of "law", "extremism" and "that burrito that you didn't eat all of and threw away last Friday." They're the "moral substitute" pushing Christian Sharia, and like 99.9% of all moral substitutes, they suck at what they do.

So, in an effort to pretend that they don't suck, they rewrote the Constitution, and modeled it after their own Christian Sharia law. Now, figure this - they scream that the United States is a Christian nation. If it's a Christian nation, why the hell are you rewriting the Constitution? It should be in the original Constitution (and not the Declaration of Independence, assdouche - they're two entirely different documents), but it's not, so you have to rewrite the Constitution that this country is built upon in the name of turning it into the Christian nation that it always was despite it not being in the founding documents? Spin me 'round and 'round; this oroborous of logic isn't ending anytime soon. Of course, that's the least of their logical flaws - why do you think they resort to lying? There is no legitimate debate because this isn't a Christian nation. Lie and make it up, concoct, list to FOX noise, In God We Trust does not mean Jesus, and I challenge any conservative to prove me wrong.

Never mind the fact that the phrase is unconstitutional to begin with.

But, let's take a look at this abomination that the Liberty Council shat out - this joke of fixer-fic of the Constitution.

(TW: Language - moreso than usual - and all the usual TWs associated with anything out of the bigoted and stupid political Right)

It looks better in brown - like the shit it is.

 We the people of the United States of America, at this crucial time in history, do hereby affirm the core consensus values which form the basis of America’s greatness, that all men and women from every race and ethnicity are created equal and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We adhere to the rule of law embodied in the Constitution of the United States and to the principles of liberty on which America was founded. In order to maintain the blessings of liberty and justice for ourselves and our posterity, and recognizing that personal responsibility is the basis of our self-governing Nation, we declare our allegiance –

1. To secure the sanctity of human life by affirming the dignity of and right to life for the disabled, the ill, the aged, the poor, the disadvantaged, and for the unborn from the moment of conception. Every person is made in the image of God, and it is the responsibility and duty of all individuals and communities of faith to extend the hand of loving compassion to care for those in poverty and distress.

2. To secure our national interest in the institution of marriage and family by embracing the union of one man and one woman as the sole form of legitimate marriage and the proper basis of family.

3. To secure the fundamental rights of parents to the care, custody, and control of their children regarding their upbringing and education.

4. To secure the free exercise of religion for all people, including the freedom to acknowledge God through our public institutions and other modes of public expression and the freedom of religious conscience without coercion by penalty or force of law.

5. To secure the moral dignity of each person, acknowledging that obscenity, pornography, and indecency debase our communities, harm our families, and undermine morality and respect. Therefore, we promote enactment and enforcement of laws to protect decency and traditional morality.

6. To secure the right to own, possess and manage private property without arbitrary interference from government, while acknowledging the necessity of maintaining a proper and balanced care and stewardship of the environment and natural resources for the health and safety of our families.

7. To secure the individual right to own, possess, and use firearms as central to the preservation of peace and liberty.

8. To secure a system of checks and balances between the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches within both state and federal governments, so that no one branch – particularly the judiciary – usurps the authority of the other two, and to maintain the constitutional principles of federalism which divide power between the state and federal governments.

9. To secure our national sovereignty and domestic tranquility by maintaining a strong military; establishing and maintaining secure national borders; participating in international and diplomatic affairs without ceding authority to foreign powers that diminish or interfere with our unalienable rights; and being mindful of our history as a nation of immigrants, promoting immigration policies that observe the rule of law and are just, fair, swift, and foster national unity.

10. To secure a system of fair taxes that are not punitive against the institution of marriage or family and are not progressive in nature, and within a limited government framework, to encourage economic opportunity, free enterprise, and free market competition.

We hereby pledge our Names, our Lives and our Sacred Honor to this Declaration of American Values.

Isn't that just wonderful? Those are American Values. They're not my values, but they're American Values. So fuck American Values, I don't want them. Rewriting the Constitution of my home and then not including me is not something I take kindly too. And believe me - I'd leave if I could, but I don't have the means. So you're stuck with me. Now, point for point:

 We the people of the United States of America, at this crucial time in history, do hereby affirm the core consensus values which form the basis of America’s greatness, that all men and women from every race and ethnicity are created equal and are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights

First off, "are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights" is from the goddamn Declaration of Independence. When will these fuckers learn the difference? This is getting irritating. I can't be sure if this is lying or just plain out fucking stupidity, or if it's both, or if it's something else, but this is getting tiresome. The wonderful thing I've learned about Conservatives is that they don't read the documents that they claim to respect; the Bible and the Constitution foremost among them.

"Consensus values" - consensus means something agreed upon by the majority. Simply put, if you're not in the consensus or the illusion thereof, you're shit out of luck. Looking at you, Black people. And Asians. And Hawai'ians. And Native Americans. And anyone else that I know I'm forgetting who isn't White, heterosexual, male, and Protestant. The Consensus on your values, you'll likely be surprised to learn, is not very high.

"the basis of America's greatness" - I may be cynical, but I'm pretty sure "the basis for America's greatness" is that we can blow the fuck out of any country that suggests otherwise, what with our hyper-inflated military budget and massive MI/God complex.

that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Unless you're gay, or you're a woman, or you're a liberal, or you're Black/anything not-White, or a non-Christian, or...

We really need to learn to read the fine print at the bottom of these contracts before we sign them. The Constitution is a very racist document; it's a pro-slavery document to the core. It's an ugly part of our history, but it's one that needs to be taught and doesn't need to go away anytime soon. The idea that we could make mistakes flies in the face of the American exceptionalism, therefore, it gets, if one pardons the pun, whitewashed. America is the Shining City upon the Hill - unless you're not White. It's the land of Milk and Honey - unless you're not a heterosexual male, or gender identify as your birth sex.

But this is worse. Conservatives are masters of wording; they have a good control over language that lets them handle spin control really well. This document is written by people who have been on the wrong side of every major event in history, form the English Civil War to the American Secession War to the Civil Rights Movement. It's backwards and regressive. Couched within this language is a load of hidden baggage - it begins with "consensus values", rather than admitting we are an nation based on objective law, rather than "consensus values." To hide your bigotry behind this language is fucking pathetic - at least the Constitution openly admits it's bigotry, to it's shame. This ... this isn't even pathetic. This is below pathetic. This isn't the bottom of the barrel. This isn't under the bottom of the barrel. This doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as the barrel.

We adhere to the rule of law embodied in the Constitution of the United States and to the principles of liberty on which America was founded. In order to maintain the blessings of liberty and justice for ourselves and our posterity, and recognizing that personal responsibility is the basis of our self-governing Nation, we declare our allegiance

We adhere to the rule of law - which is why we're rewriting the Constitution, the highest law of the land. Because we adhere to it. Or something. I guess if that entropic process they call thinking ties itself in enough back ass-wards knots it makes sense.

These idiots probably aren't even familiar with the Preamble. They riff bits of it here and there, like they do with the Bible when they're trying to prove their lies, but they've probably never even heard it before, so here it is:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain this Constitution of the United States of America. 

You'll note the commonwealth spelling of "defense". That's because the framers originally spoke the Queen's English circa 1776, which didn't include things like 'iPod' and spelled center "centre". I doubt these idiots know enough to realize that. They probably think it's spelled wrong.

To secure the sanctity of human life by affirming the dignity of and right to life for the disabled, the ill, the aged, the poor, the disadvantaged, and for the unborn from the moment of conception. Every person is made in the image of God, and it is the responsibility and duty of all individuals and communities of faith to extend the hand of loving compassion to care for those in poverty and distress.

This is bullshit. This is bull-fucking-shit. This is downright evil. They don't mean any of that, except for "the unborn from the moment of conception", which isn't a moment but a process. But hey, never let facts get in the way of a perfectly fucking good lie.

Loving and compassionate care means the church does. Except for the fact that I've never seen a church pay for someone's medical bills. I've never seen a church pay for a disabled veteran's prosthetic limb. I've never seen the church foot the bill for annual flu shots. I've never seen the church do any of this shit that conservatives keep claiming it will do if we get rid of the federal government, which does all of those things, and you know what? I'm beginning to think that's because it won't.
Get them in the churches. That way, we can discriminate against who gets what more freely!

They don't give a fuck about people in poverty and distress. They don't give a fuck about them at all, and it's nothing short of black hearted evil to suggest otherwise.

To secure our national interest in the institution of marriage and family by embracing the union of one man and one woman as the sole form of legitimate marriage and the proper basis of family.

I could just post these without my commentary, embedding links in the original text. But where's the fun in that? This is such a tired and dead point. Stop beating this dead horse, damn it! Someone will call the ASPCA-Unlife and have you arrested for crimes against living-impaired animals.

To secure the fundamental rights of parents to the care, custody, and control of their children regarding their upbringing and education

Which is basically saying that they'll take apart the Department of Education, dismantle public schools, and put the responsibility of educating your children back on you, even though - because they care and they extended their hand to force you to have more children you didn't want because hey, this is what you get when you fuck someone who isn't powerful -- you're working three jobs that don't even pay minimum wage. You're supermom, right? You can pull this off. I know you can. Now stop complaining about not having boots for your bootstraps. And while we're at it, give me those, too. Now pull yourself up. You liberals, you're always expecting a handout. It's pathetic. Whether it's food stamps because you can't afford your own food - imagine that, if you stopped buying televisions, cellphones and Cadillacs with those food stamps and bridge cards you'd have the money, did you ever think of that - or because you think I somehow owe you money because I smashed your hopes in dreams when I scammed the company on  Wall Street, you're always looking for a handout. When will you people grow up and learn to watch FOX news?

I don't suppose there's going to be anyone to investigate child abuse good Christian upbringings, either, is there?

To secure the free exercise of religion for all people, including the freedom to acknowledge God through our public institutions and other modes of public expression and the freedom of religious conscience without coercion by penalty or force of law.

At this point, my irony meter blew up.

You have the freedom to force people to acknowledge God and if they don't like it then can shut the hell up and go away. You have the freedom to coerce other people without conscious and enforce the penalty of law on those who don't agree. Seriously, you honestly think they believe this claptrap? This "exercise of religion" should be "exercise of Christianity", because if a Muslim even tried to use that, they'd have a fucking shit-fit. If a Wiccan tired to use that they'd go apoplectic. There's no fair trade here. This is a Christian nation, punks. If you honestly thought they'd share, pardon me while I laugh in your face.

I've talked a bit about self-awareness before, and about how humans don't pass the mirror test - the test that determines whether or not you're self-aware and therefore sapient - until you're around 18 months. Some people never pass it at all. This is proof.

To secure the moral dignity of each person, acknowledging that obscenity, pornography, and indecency debase our communities, harm our families, and undermine morality and respect. Therefore, we promote enactment and enforcement of laws to protect decency and traditional morality.

Pornography is whatever they disagree with. It's anything that makes their naughty-bits get tingly. The only indecent thing I see is this stupid fixer fic of the Constitution. I find this highly offensive, and this is no doubt pr0n to some right-wingers. They get off on this shit.

The only thing that harms my family is continued cuts to my dad's pension, and I'm pretty positive that I would qualify as obscene no matter how I operate. This is just another lie, another attempt to pat themselves on the back and try to convince themselves they're good people when really they're anything but.

Fuck your decency. Fuck your traditional morality. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity-fucking-fucker-fucks. I don't need your Vice Police. Go back to fucking Saudi Arabia, fascist enema stains.

To secure our national sovereignty and domestic tranquility by maintaining a strong military; establishing and maintaining secure national borders; participating in international and diplomatic affairs without ceding authority to foreign powers that diminish or interfere with our unalienable rights; and being mindful of our history as a nation of immigrants, promoting immigration policies that observe the rule of law and are just, fair, swift, and foster national unity.

Read: Throw 'em all out. We're mindful of our history - that's why we lie about it and whitewash it every chance we get.

Who the hell said we ceded authority to anyone? Is this that John Bircher shit again - this utterly reality-impaired notion that we somehow gave up our sovereignty by joining the United Nations? MAH GUNZ! MAH GUNZ!

To secure a system of fair taxes that are not punitive against the institution of marriage or family and are not progressive in nature, and within a limited government framework, to encourage economic opportunity, free enterprise, and free market competition.

Read that a few times. Progressive taxes bad. Flat taxes good. Progressive direct bad. Flat head good.

They don't want OSHA. They don't want the FDA. Have fun picking the human finger out of your hamburger, and watch for the roach that's floating around in your pop. After all, the market will make sure that this place gets shut down - after hundreds have already died from food poisoning, that is. Maybe you - you might be among those hundreds. Just think - they've created a world where getting food poisoning and dying is actually preferable to living, and far more likely, too!

Free market competition means monopolies. It's just like the game, except you go to jail every other turn and pay the luxury tax with money you don't have. They mean the type of economic opportunity we had back in the 1890s. Y'know. Back when had the social mobility and potential for economic growth of an Indic caste system.

We hereby pledge our Names, our Lives and our Sacred Honor to this Declaration of American Values.

Here, let me get my good ol' John Hancock out...

Ah, there we go.  Consider this a formal pledge.