Good Riddance

And another one bites the dust.

One by one, they drop like flies. I understand that this is sort of the purpose of political primaries, but this tragifarce circus that the Republicans have attempted to guise as a "political primary" has been nothing if not entertaining. I feel that the Republican Primary should be, right about now, shooing out the clowns to make room for the real drama of an election, but there's a problem - all of their candidates are clowns.

Still, that didn't stop them from shooing out Michelle Bachmann, who kissed her hopes of being president good bye today, after finishing a dismal sixth place in the Iowa primary. Not that the results of that should make you feel comfortable - Frothy is in practically neck-and-neck with Romney. Here in Michigan, we do not have fond memories of Romney and Amway. However, I'll take unhappy memories over a lifetime of nightmares - that was why I voted for Obama rather than Palin/McCain last time around. He's been surprising; he's kept a lot of his promises, but you can't over look the fact that on the issue of civil rights Obama has been a bigger disaster than Bush, and I'd love to throw him out in favor of someone else, but that someone else sure as hell is not Romney. Or Paul.

It's going to come down to Paul or Romney, and Romney will likely win because he's the more consummate politician of the two, and also the more mediagenic. Romney is a shapeshifter without substance, like the vast majority of the people in the media. Paul is like the twisted little gnome that lives under asshat hill screaming at those fucking halflings to get off his property. That and Paul will get - rightly - gnawed to the bone for his racism.

Still, let's take this time to bid farewell to Bachmann. I'm actually rather disappointed - I was sorta hoping she actually would get the nomination, so she could run against Obama. I think the last landslide that would've been remotely close in size was one that happened 48 million years ago. Moving mountains indeed.

So, to commemorate the announce that Bachmann is retiring from the race (I probably should've done this for Cain, too, but Cain flew under the radar for a while and wasn't a big name until he supernovaed and left everyone going "WFT just happened?" Bachmann is here by sheer dint of her time spent on the campaign trail and in the media eye) I have a collection of some of the most intellectual, insightful, and fucking batshit quotes by Bachmann.

This song might help:

Okay, lets get started - all aboard the TEA Party Express, baby, yeah!

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too"

Sure he was. John Wayne Gacy, that is. Sometimes, though, I wonder if that is the spirit the Republicans are trying to channel.

"I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter."

This is about the HPV vaccination. She told this to FOX, though, so it's all good. If you put FOX in the same room as the truth the universe might end.

"I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?"

I'm fairly certain the entire congress is anti-American. But to answer her McCarthy claims, there's not a communist one among them, and I suspect that might be the problem.

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas."

And the corollary -

“Carbon dioxide is natural, it is not harmful, it is a part of Earth's life-cycle. And yet we're being told that we have to reduce this natural substance, reduce the American standard of living, to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occurring in Earth.”

Methane is normal too. In fact, it's from cows. Cows are where bacon is from, therefore, CO2 is not harmful. I mean, it's not like Venus would like to have a word with you or anything about the harmful effects of CO2 and runaway greenhouse effects...

''It is horrific to know that in the African American community, 50 percent of all African American pregnancies in the United States end in abortion, 50 percent. That is a genocide of African Americans of the United States. It should not be. There are Americans all across this country who would love to adopt African American babies, but they can't because 50 percent of all African American pregnancies today are ending in abortion.''

I have always loved this, and I've gotten into some discussions with a half-African American friend of mine on this topic. Here is a relatively wealthy, privileged, White woman telling African Americans what's happening in their community, and using that as an excuse to try and do... I don't know. Racism? In my Bachmann? Never.

Oh, and this: [citation needed]

"If we took away the minimum wage -- if conceivably it was gone -- we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."

[citation needed]

She says this "offer jobs at whatever level" like it's a good thing.

This is her competing with that damn Gnome Under Asshat Hill (Paul).

"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today."

No Bachmann collection of quotes is complete without this one. If you've never heard this, she said it in South Carolina, on August 16.

"But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.

John Adams was a founding father. His son, John Quincy Adams, was not. And this is without getting into the fact that the Constitution is probably one of the most pro-slavery documents on the planet. After the Bible, that is.

''Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man!''?

The ever racially-sensitive Michelle Bachmann, addressing Michael Steele.

''And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.''

Oh, they may be bizarre, but they're also absolutely ~fabulous~. Also, [citation fucking needed].

''I think there is a point where you say enough is enough to government intrusion. …Does the federal government really need to know our phone numbers?''

And while we're at it, who the hell do they think they are collecting our Social Security Numbers?! Those bastards!

“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”

Including Thomas Jefferson. He was a very big proponent of freeing slaves. *Sage nod*

“I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I'm not a scientist.”

I take it for what it is, too - a contradictory mess of illogical in consistencies and obscene, anti-human laws that most normal people don't think need to be applied any more. And I don't think that Mrs. Bachmann needs to reiterate the fact that she's not a deep thinker. I think that's pretty clear by now.

This is probably the most frustrating one on here. Why? Why, then, don't you go out and become more knowledgeable? Why lament? You don't have to be special to be a scientist. All it takes is a drive and a desire. An inclination towards existing in the real world with the rest of us certainly helps, but still...

“The sex curriculum will be essentially by taught by the local gay community."

This is if her 2004 amendment to ban marriage equality doesn't pass. I can see the local gay community handing out numbers right now, gearing up like mercenary companies to attack schools and inundate them with ... perhaps a functional sex education?

Also, this [citation really fucking needed]

“This is how the government proposes to govern and run centrally-planned economies in our state. Through an organization and entity called MELT (Minnesota Economic and Leadership Team)…Today it’s called MELT, which is exactly, by the way, exactly what will happen to our economy if we put this system into place."

 And the corollary -

"This has nothing to do with you the people and who you elect. We’re chumps, you see. It is MELT who’s going to control the world.”

I couldn't find anything on MELT. If Google doesn't know what the hell she's talking about, and neither do I. Here's my Google search; maybe you can find something. I used a couple of Boolean operators because I couldn't find anything without them. So far, the only place on the Internet MELT is mentioned is in this quote. Which obviously means that they're some kind of conspiracy. After all, how can you rule the world with your business hanging out on the Internet, like pictures of a drunken frat party your idiot ex-boyfriend/girlfriend felt belonged on Facebook?

“Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

I'm so confused. What does writing the Lion King have to do with being gay?

“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”

There are hundreds of men named Steve, men of whom hold Tennis Trophies, who support florists. What's your point?

Also - [citation really, really fu... nevermind. I'm done].

“[T]here’s a commonality with the Mall of America, in that it’s on that proportion. There’s marble everywhere. The other thing I remarked about was there is water everywhere.”

This is said about Iraq. You know, that Iraq.

There's water everywhere in Iraq. Which, to be fair, has two largest rivers. But it is otherwise in the middle of a fucking desert.

“I think if we give Glenn Beck the numbers, he can solve this [the national debt].”

I'm pretty sure he could too. I mean, all he'd need is a White board and month's subscription to the John Birch Society. He'd solve those problems real good like.

So - farewell, Mrs. Bachmann. I'm sure Ed Brayton is heartbroken that you retired from the race, and I sorta am too. But still - good riddance.