Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why I'm Voting for Satan

Apparently, Rick Santorum isn't running against Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. He said so himself, which likely suggests why he's going to loose. Instead, Santorum is running against the father of all lies himself - himself Satan.

I don't care who he's running against, that's who I'm voting for. Go ahead and pony Carpathescu up here. I'll vote for the dude, so long as he ain't Santorum. Hell, if anything, I know for certain he's got a better grasp of geography than 90% of Americans, because knowing Burma isn't in Africa is EVIL YO. But, in fact, I can make a very strong case why you should be voting for Satan and the Antichrist, not least of all because he isn't Santorum.

I could just as easily devote a whole post to mocking the hell out of that "HOLY SHIT WTF SPEECH O.O" Santorum gave instead, and that will come with time. For now, I'm going to spell out why Satan is the better of two supposed evils in our society.

First, let me spell this out very clearly: you should never vote for Santorum because he will never win. And if he does by some dark miracle win - which I highly, highly doubt - well, you  pretty much voted the antichrist himself in office anyway, so everyone loses.

Now then, with that out of the way, here are the reasons to support Satan, gathered from the positions and planks of his party that the Right keeps saying that he possesses:

  • Satan supports marriage equality, women's rights, and an end to discrimination and racism. He's a very busy fellow on this front, especially when you consider all the people he's duped into believing equality is a good thing, rather than living under heel and toe of an intolerant majority.
  • Satan is all about the future. He wants to get rid of the past, and undermine the past, and apparently lie about the past by making sure that people know what really happened. While I'm on this topic, it's also apparent that Satan is all about arguments from facts and figures, as opposed to 1,000 year old myths and legends.
  • Satan is all about removing barriers and making people comfortable in their own bodies, as opposed to having a stick rammed up their ass 24/7 because how dare women go around wearing bikinis and shit. As opposed to the childish, prudish view about sexuality that takes sex and turns it into something dirty and nasty while lauding violence (so long as it's against the right people, mind you).
  • Satan is against the MI-Complex. He supports cuts to it, while expanding social welfare and social safety nets like SS and Medicare/Medicate. He also supports a Universal Healthcare System, with dental and eye coverage rolled into that. He wants to make sure that you're not bankrupt if you happen to get cancer because God's pissed at you or something, or if you're hurt in one of the earthquakes that God caused because he was mad about gay marriage (sorry New Hampshire, he was aiming for California. He must've lost his glasses again), you can still survive and won't get crushed under a mountain of debt.
  • Satan is for world peace and finding non-violent solutions that don't involve bombing brown people who speak funny not-English languages. He's also for helping the Palestinian people, who really need it right now, and supports the United Nations. I mean, you have to support something you're eventually going to use to take over the world with, right? Hey, I can only repeat what the Black Helicopter and Tin Foil Hat crew keep telling me. This means he supports unity among the world's governments, and believes that a bad peace is better than a good war.
  • Satan believes that the United States is a country just like any other country, with good points and bad points, and believes that we need to highlight the bad points if we want to continue surviving as a country, rather than projecting a Madonna-complex on it and putting it up on a pedestal so that nothing gets done about the very real problems it suffers from.
  • Satan does not believe jobs are found in the uterine cavity. He also trusts women to determine their own fate, especially on the issues of contraception and abortion. He doesn't spread lies about how Planned Parenthood is a "mega abortion industry" and how they're getting children addicted to sex so they can make money on a procedure that costs them more than they make from it. He also doesn't spread lies about contraceptives promote abortion, or how all women who use contraceptives use them because they enjoy sex (and if they do, it don't matter what you think cuz it ain't none of your fucking business). Really, you know, for being the "Father of Lies", he's not very good at this lying business.
  • Satan supports freedom of speech, expression, and religion. He also supports the belief that you don't have a right to not be offended, and believes that "not getting your way" doesn't mean "oppression and systematic extermination." He can understand the difference between hyperbole, fantasy, and reality, and apparently lives firmly in the reality side of that scalene triangle (*boom* - I blew up my own irony meter with that one). 
  • Satan is also a staunch supporter of a secular government free of religion. He believes that getting religion involved in government irreparably damages both, and that the best countries are ones built on secular laws removed from any sort of religious influence. Satan also recognizes that are legal system is in no way based on the 10 Commandments and doesn't feel the need to lie constantly about how it is.
  • Satan supports science and science education. He believes that facts and figures should be taught as facts and figures, rather than 1,000 year old stories being taught as facts and figures. He regards scientific findings with a high degree of dignity and is always on the vanguard of new scientific findings. Satan is pro-finding cures for cancer, for HIV/AIDs, for eliminating genetic disorders and diseases, for developing technologies to help secure immortality (at least, prevent death from old age). Most of all, Satan knows the difference between the scientific use of the world "theory" and the colloquial use of the word "theory."
  • Satan supports intellectual pursuits and doesn't plant traps in facts and theories to get people damned like God does. He doesn't believe that pursuing facts should get you damned like God does, nor will he damn you for doing it like God will. Satan believes in a free and open education system, which you'd think God would too because he loves damnation so much, but apparently not.
  • Satan supports public transportation and infrastructure spending, bringing our 80 year old infrastructure up to speed with the rest of the developed world, as opposed to clinging fast to a past that never existed. He also supports making this infrastructure available to the bulk of people.
  • Satan supports ending the war on drugs, and stopping a trillion dollar waste of public funds that drains resources throughout society and encourages the militarization of police and the gradual erosion of our rights as citizens. Satan is also an figure who questions authority, and doesn't think we should willingly submit because Christian Mighty Whitey the "I have a penis so that makes me spesshul" Male Senator told us too.
  • And lastly, Satan supports green technology and government spending on green technology, and planting the road to green infrastructure so we have something later, and he also believes in unified governments working together to combat this thing called "global warming," which it clearly isn't because *gasp* it's winter and snowing.
So, overall, I think we can reasonably conclude that this Satan dude isn't so bad. He deserves our vote. Shame he's about as real as any other politician, huh?

1 comment:

  1. Devil's not a bad Bloke! God done 'im up like a kipper! :)