tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862170131521435894.post6179509405267470351..comments2023-11-02T07:39:02.009-07:00Comments on Post-Modern Enlightenment: Human Black Box: What Happens in Vegas... (pt 8)Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862170131521435894.post-8232530192146608332011-09-18T18:35:07.009-07:002011-09-18T18:35:07.009-07:00"She looked down at her body
You're basi..."She looked down at her body<br /><br />You're basing pronouns off the body? Hardly seems right." <br /><br />Oops. You're right. That should be "hie" for Mikhail.Enigmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05365715172516356113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862170131521435894.post-12896104010772732482011-09-18T13:59:55.691-07:002011-09-18T13:59:55.691-07:00Chloe (private chat, #Antares#): [Wait! Before you...<em>Chloe (private chat, #Antares#): [Wait! Before you go, what are these things?]<br /><br /><br />Antares (private chat, #Chloe#): [Hard telling.</em><br /><br />There's two empty lines between these paragraphs instead of one.<br /><br /><em>She tossed one up and Zira caught up</em><br /><br />Caught it.<br /><br /><em>the three remaining Exhumans darted ahead of her<br />[...]<br />one that the exhumans opened without hesitation<br />[...]<br />The Exhumans gave a loud howl</em><br /><br />So is "exhuman" capitalised or not?<br /><br /><em>she'd pulled out the blood soaked metal walnut</em><br /><br />"Blood-soaked" should be hyphenated.<br /><br /><em>Several round slammed into Chloe's chest</em><br /><br />Rounds.<br /><br /><em>the other exhuman - shot up but still alive - in toe</em><br /><br />Tow.<br /><br /><em>The first Exhuman that appeared leaped at the disk-synth, the arms lashing out instinctively and grabbing hir.</em><br /><br />"The first Exhuman that appeared leaped at the disk-synth. The disk-synth's arms lashed out instinctively and grabbed hir." Otherwise the arms are assumed to be the exhuman's.<br /><br /><em>In a shrill screech</em><br /><br />With a shrill screech.<br /><br /><em>threw on the ground</em><br /><br />Thrown.<br /><br /><em>the other attached the synth</em><br /><br />Attacked.<br /><br /><em>snake like arm whipping backwards </em><br /><br />"Snake-like" should be hyphenated.<br /><br /><em>tossing the exhuman over it's body</em><br /><br />Its.<br /><br /><em>She couldn't quiet catch what</em><br /><br />Quite.<br /><br /><em>lift her off the ground, as she reached out</em><br /><br />And.<br /><br /><em>The nanotatoos were different, though.</em><br /><br />Tattoo has three t's.<br /><br /><em>And I won't loose you again.</em><br /><br />Lose.<br /><br /><em>how you didn't have any one there</em><br /><br />"Anyone" shouldn't have a space in this context.<br /><br /><em>We have others to take care.</em><br /><br />Take care <em>of</em>.<br /><br /><em>they team had brought back from earth.</em><br /><br />The team had brought back from Earth.<br /><br /><em>looking down at it's new body. </em><br /><br />Its.<br /><br /><em>the the knife split the artery </em><br /><br />Doubled "the".<br /><br /><em>bleeding out in matter of seconds</em><br /><br />In <em>a</em> matter of seconds.<br /><br /><em>as the other exhumans, sleeved inside of the pods</em><br /><br />And.<br /><br /><em>She looked down at her body</em><br /><br />You're basing pronouns off the body? Hardly seems right.Brinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18034585577015417306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2862170131521435894.post-11511789965405255172011-09-18T13:58:17.104-07:002011-09-18T13:58:17.104-07:00(Part 1)
Oh, an there's a TITAN somewhere in ...(Part 1)<br /><br /><em>Oh, an there's a TITAN somewhere in there, too. </em><br /><br />And.<br />(I was going to leave "his own person military" alone because I thought it might be a clone pun, but if I'm going to nitpick the last-time-on bit I may as well ask.)<br /><br /><em>she sat on partially removed roof. </em><br /><br />On <em>the</em> partially removed roof.<br /><br /><em>stuffed it inside of the one of the bags. </em><br /><br />As opposed to this one, which has an extra "the" (the first one).<br /><br /><em>as much a mirage as a the waves of heat and and the puddles of water on the blasted cement.</em><br /><br />"As much a mirage as the puddles of water on the blasted cement." Waves of heat hardly seem like a mirage, and at the very least there's an extraneous "a" and a double "and".<br /><br /><em>The Groom Lake instillation is several miles to the north</em><br /><br />Installation.<br /><br /><em>other, more important secret instillations</em><br /><br />Ditto.<br /><br /><em>an abusive father into a ghost rider module </em><br /><br />"Ghostrider" hasn't had a space before.<br /><br /><em>drawing the attention of two many</em><br /><br />Too, not two.<br /><br /><em>It's far larger under ground</em><br /><br />"Underground" doesn't have a space in this context.<br /><br /><em>She watched the scenery pass her buy</em><br /><br />By.<br /><br /><em>knew better than to say anything about</em><br /><br />Say anything about <em>it</em>.<br /><br /><em>they passed right beside large warning sign. </em><br /><br />Beside <em>a</em> large warning sign.<br /><br /><em>The canyon narrows</em><br /><br />This isn't a present-tense story.<br /><br /><em>one of hir exhumans flunkies</em><br /><br />Exhuman.<br /><br /><em>The last thing they need was for Hotaru to be discovered</em><br /><br />Needed.<br /><br /><em>until she woke up</em><br /><br />Until seems like a hybrid phrasing. Before?<br /><br /><em>The other exhumans joined them, as Chloe's attention once again focused </em><br /><br />Yet another "as" where there should be "and".<br /><br /><em>caused the ground the shake</em><br /><br /><em>To</em> shake.<br /><br /><em>ES Mikhail: [I forgot about those. Oops.]</em><br /><br />This is Zira-coloured instead of Mikhail-coloured.<br /><br /><em>small, silverly but blood-stained walnut.</em><br /><br />Silvery.<br /><br /><em>Zira said, tucking stack away.</em><br /><br />Tucking <em>the</em> stack away.<br /><br /><em>ES Mikhail: [Or follow standard operating procedure when encountering a landmine: jump 30 feet into the air and spread yourself out over a wide area.]</em><br /><br />Also Zira-coloured.<br />Thirty. Numerals shouldn't be used in dialogue.<br /><br /><em>that doesn't hep our situation at all</em><br /><br />Help.Brinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18034585577015417306noreply@blogger.com